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Chasing closure

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Usually, I like to make my writing as relatable as possible and I make a conscious effort for it. Not this time.  I have 3 key experiences wherein I felt loved, rather I thought I did. The first one was from the school-days; he wanted me more than I wanted him, it lasted longer than it should have. It had begun early in my teenage days, where curiosity led the way and making big commitments without responsibility was so easy, when passion dominated logic, and we were too naive to be introspecting even! We waited till toxicity found its way into our relationship and broke us apart, for good! After an year and a half of that, I found someone who made me fall in love with God and I mistook that for a long time as my first true love for the one who introduced me to God. It was my obsession with his personality because he was almost all that I ever wanted to become but never could - an embodiment of peace, shrewdness and equanimity; someone who would practice what he preached and had hi...
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Dream, regardless!

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It was a mental health hospital.  Distributed bananas in the female ward, nothing much. Their faces spoke their stories in one glance. Someone's laughing, someone's grieving, someone's trying to steal others' bananas, someone's lying on the floor, yelling, someone's so normal-looking that you wouldn't ever realise that they are mentally unwell, someone's coming up to you saying that they are building their business, someone's expressing immense gratitude in Gujarati over a simple gesture of giving bananas, someone's staring at you trying to give you a full smile but can't.  All of this made me realise how we take life for granted, time and again! My highlight was the 50-year old lady who said she was building a website and knew RHA (Robin Hood Army) already. This conversation was so real yet painful. She could have been an entrepreneur, you know. Alas! The condition. The dream of hers, stayed with her despite the condition. Life's short. ...
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Woman an object of temptation

I often read spiritual texts and yesterday I was reading this famous text by Adi Sankara, the saviour of Hinduism & India back in 700BC. where it said: एतन्मांसवसादिविकारं मनसि विचिन्तय वारं वारम्  Translation :  Do not get drowned in delusion by going wild with passions and lust by seeing a woman’s navel and chest. These are nothing but a modification of flesh. Fail not to remember this again and again in your mind. I was forced to think, why always a woman. Despite powerful woman narratives on Gargi, Maitrye, Durga, Kaali, women are often treated not as protagonist but an object of temptation, someone who is nothing more than a mere distraction to a man, and this could go on and on to a point when I could reach the peak of my modern day feminism.  Well, fortunate enough, I know I am like the waters that contain the shape of the container and I know for one, that if I continue the thought, I might as well start my activism against men. LOL So, again fortunately, eno...
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I am Brutus to my Caesar.

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I don't want to express anything anymore. Sadly though, the Brownian motion of people around is more disorderly than Brown's time when he first deciphered it. If you do not participate in this whirlpool, you are a dead oddity already. You have to and you must engage time to time to survive, whatever be your style. It's no more a choice, it's become an indispensable survival weapon. Actions matter, today these actions too are highly dependable on the words you use. If you know what I mean?  Now what if your style is that of an invincible people pleaser. All you had been doing since your childhood is responding to people's reactions, that's how you've been conditioned. Predicting their reactions even before knowing the context and then making your pitch based on preconceived notions; fortunately the add-on skill of being annoyingly optimistic in some of the worst situations  rescues the victims from any potential harm done... helps. You find victory in making ...
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Being sad is foolish

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You have lived a colourful life and are apparently living one. You have had moments of joy with your friends, families, strangers. You have felt that form of human connection at some point of time, that has made you smile. If you are comparing your account with that of the better- or the worse-offs, then nothing will ever be enough for you, your problem. But if you are sane in taking ownership of your life the way it has been disconnected with the your social locus, then you would agree, that amidst all chaos, there definitely have been many-a-moment of joys too! But is that still enough to claim that you "are" a happy individual? No. You want more and you want more "for long".  "I wish we had more time together", "I wish I could savour the taste for long", "I wish we worked out forever and got married", "I wish I could stay in this country for long", "I wish this person lived a little longer", "I wish I could s...
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Does he want me to win, like ever?

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I was hurt. I knew it was all me. And I could do better. But what's done is done. And it's time to move on, just like old times. But why! Why am I failing back to back. Does he even want me to do good in life, ever? Or am i supposed to rot in mediocrity just because i made one mistake in college- i chose pure friendship over a complicated one tainted by competitiveness. Because obviously, it was after this choice that my life dwindled like in the great depression. And it makes sense as clearly that's the dilemma i keep facing again and again. I only have a little of competitiveness left within. And probably that's really not enough! Am i interpreting it correctly? Or is it just me trying to rationalise my doings?  And the thought trail went on for a while.... Until it finally hit me.... Luck favours the prepared.  What does this mean? Only if you prepare well, you will have luck on your side. That's not a great way of interpreting the statement as it in a way urges ...
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Givin up that steering wheel

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"I" wanna spend my holiday with my grandparents even though they aren't confident about their condition. "i" want to tell them that it is alright. it will work out. after all it's not just them in their 80s who will be flying. "i" want to make them believe that they can still dream of traveling across the seas to some other country for their vacation with their family - so perfect! they dont have any serious medical condition, for god's sake the only drugs they are on are some petty purgatives, vitamins, analgesics and antacids. (touchwood!) so how much damage it would do even in the worst case! we could do research about the healthcare facility in Thailand, could inform the resort people about senior citizens traveling with us so that they could make some essential arrangements, we could be on the lookout for access to wheelchair and choose relaxation over sightseeing! we could do our own research, reach out to some contacts, and do everything...
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