Chasing closure

Usually, I like to make my writing as relatable as possible and I make a conscious effort for it. Not this time. 

I have 3 key experiences wherein I felt loved, rather I thought I did. The first one was from the school-days; he wanted me more than I wanted him, it lasted longer than it should have. It had begun early in my teenage days, where curiosity led the way and making big commitments without responsibility was so easy, when passion dominated logic, and we were too naive to be introspecting even! We waited till toxicity found its way into our relationship and broke us apart, for good!

After an year and a half of that, I found someone who made me fall in love with God and I mistook that for a long time as my first true love for the one who introduced me to God. It was my obsession with his personality because he was almost all that I ever wanted to become but never could - an embodiment of peace, shrewdness and equanimity; someone who would practice what he preached and had his core principles in place (or so I thought), unaffected by external dynamics. He was the first of that kind I met and got to know little closely. But forgot I, that companionship starts with communication-- neither I communicated early about my perplexed feelings for him, nor did he initiate anything and it ended before it could have started. The best part was, I learnt what "God" meant and how connecting with God could help me, esp. as the times were tough for me-- I had a career transition going on, from demolishing my own dream castle to finding bricks to build a new one from scratch; it was not easy and although with his sarcastic, sometimes derogatory humor, I felt loved. His quiet support in times when I needed help, meant a lot. It was a transformational phase for me spiritually, but materialistically, I did not feel respected when tables turned and situations were different for us. Promises of transparency were broken and so was my believing heart. I did try friendship again, whose shelf life is as indeterminable as a rainy weather. And, honestly, I am grateful for him and that's it. I don't look forward to anything with him, because I know the work's done and the role's played. 

Finally I met someone, who had willingness to try to build something meaningful with me and not only did he have the kind of heart and mind I admired but also he was smart, responsible, accountable and truly honest-- a rarity in today's world. A gem, as I would call him. I almost fell for him except one day when I noticed there were other aspects that would adversely affect the longevity of our relationship significantly. It was a short while with him but wholesomely beautiful and meaningful. I loved to look at his calm face with no thoughts in complete peace; he too I think secretly liked how I used to playfully bother him like a little kid. He had his own set of principles and beliefs which he was very stern about. His story, could have made him worse but, he was astonishingly a shining ray of hope! He felt REAL; someone with similar propensities as mine, similar escape strategies from problems, someone having an equally intense desire to go all solo in a shell at times. Yes our music taste was very different but he never said no! Always was up for trying, for me. Truly a gem. And a lot of firsts for me! I would definitely miss him and certain special memories created with him. But fate has a different plan maybe. I would have tried harder to make it work, but some things about me bothered him much. And if he were to share what bothered him, it would bother me more. Although we never had a toxic nasty wordplay, as we both hated and were shit scared of fights, we compensated for it with silence, tiny expressions and planning how to avoid. We both loved working on ourselves, were a lil too serious about work and were obsessed with powerpoint formatting haha. Obviously, he was much better than me. I can still love him with all my heart, but brain barged in and shut down that emotional vent. There were other social differences which wouldn't have mattered in the long run, if we found the bond worth the effort! Alas! We couldnt cross the first milestone of accepting each other's flaws just the way they were. We could both see it was overbearing for both of us. So I insisted to end it before it got toxic. 

Now that I look back, I think we both were a lil too scared of the future and with all that's happening around in this world today, we were scared to label, scared to fight, scared to love each other wholly. I think that's what connected us well and broke us apart at the same time. 

Well, after a long time, I had found a company so sweet, kind and lovable; and I let it go. I took the steering wheel back again wondering whether I snatched it too soon? Maybe I could have learnt more from him, from the bond; maybe things would have transformed drastically! He was about to bring some meaningful changes within me, and I stopped the process because I thought, yeah maybe I would never change or he would never change. Maybe I stopped it before we could reach the inflection point!!! Maybe I gave up too soon, again?

Right now, it's only about a week we parted ways, but I feel like I should call him right now. It feels like we didn't end it the way we should have. We didn't express our hearts out enough. It feels he should have stopped me from trying to end it, but he said, he would be fine with what I would decide. I don't know what to do. It's the dilemma between, whether I anticipated failure before it was even visibly near and let go of the joys and the learnings that I could have otherwise OR I did right because it would end either ways and the clarity pushed me to make a decision right then!

Seeking Krishna.