dear diary

I was hurt. I knew it was all me. And I could do better. But what's done is done. And it's time to move on, just like old times. But why! Why am I failing back to back. Does he even want me to do good in life, ever? Or am i supposed to rot in mediocrity just because i made one mistake in college- i chose pure friendship over a complicated one tainted by competitiveness. Because obviously, it was after this choice that my life dwindled like in the great depression. And it makes sense as clearly that's the dilemma i keep facing again and again. I only have a little of competitiveness left within. And probably that's really not enough! Am i interpreting it correctly? Or is it just me trying to rationalise my doings?  And the thought trail went on for a while.... Until it finally hit me.... Luck favours the prepared.  What does this mean? Only if you prepare well, you will have luck on your side. That's not a great way of interpreting the statement as it in a way urges ...

"I" wanna spend my holiday with my grandparents even though they aren't confident about their condition. "i" want to tell them that it is alright. it will work out. after all it's not just them in their 80s who will be flying. "i" want to make them believe that they can still dream of traveling across the seas to some other country for their vacation with their family - so perfect! they dont have any serious medical condition, for god's sake the only drugs they are on are some petty purgatives, vitamins, analgesics and antacids. (touchwood!) so how much damage it would do even in the worst case! we could do research about the healthcare facility in Thailand, could inform the resort people about senior citizens traveling with us so that they could make some essential arrangements, we could be on the lookout for access to wheelchair and choose relaxation over sightseeing! we could do our own research, reach out to some contacts, and do everything...

I don't want your overkill praises, Neither those facetious acknowledgments; Not the yearning-kind I am anymore, Peace I find within the most.  The red rush of adrenaline, The smile of dopamine so pure; That I would once record to reminisce, Are no more fun but alluring evils endured.  The lust for diversity I lost,  For good I say, it tainted my sanity; Waning desperation within I observe, Numbers down, flair's up to serve! Consistent outlier I was, Bright and brilliant they called;  I rowed parallel and won them over, Thought that was "the" way forever! Still an outlier, I stand upright, For reasons directed inwards this time; Impervious to frivolous fleeting fascinations, I seem to have found my way from here. Extolled passer-by's with the tiniest of spark, Funny, I viewed the world in 2-D; Naivety let me judge by the cover,  Only to extrapolate to unrelatability in vain. For the moment it felt right and robust, After all, experiences teach the best, isn't ...